Marujas Asesinas

My summer?
It's going horrible.


Quiero cortar mis munecas.


I wish i could.

This Guy at Von Maur

...He killed a bunch of people earilier in December. They closed the store and when it opened back up last night, the store was crammed with people pretending to be holiday shopping, including me. Really, most of us were being "looky louies" (omaha). The parking lot was so full it took me about ten minutes get to the entrance ( the one that Robert Hawkins came in). When I got there, cars and people were everywhere.

I was on my way to JC Penny and so I decided to take a detour through Von Maur, just to see how everything looked since the incident. It was so...relaxed, like nothing had happened. I think that it was because the place was crawling with cops, security gaurds and tense employees.

Overall, it wasn't that exciting, I passed the elevators where the one guy got shot; other than that, I just kept walking on through the store on out to JC Penny.

What's eating you?

I watched this show called Eaten Alive a couple of days ago on Animal Planet and ever since I have been one nervous person.

Did you know over 1 billion people are infected with round worms? Or that tape worms (30 ft long flat worms that slither around in your digestive system) are extremely common?

I didn't.

Parasites, feed off of their host, be it human or animal. If you are infected with one, everything that you eat aids the parasite in growing bigger and stronger.

This show Eaten Alive will probably be the reason for me becoming a full blown vegetarian. No fish no beef and absolutely no pork. In fact the reason that I never have eaten pork is that they do contatin various types of worms.

All of the people on the show who were contaminated with these parasites had eaten exotic food ie: Mexican, Guatemalan or been in exotic locations: Africa, Borneo, Peru, Mexico, or Costa Rica.

I will never leave the confines of the U. S. of A now, it's not safe. (Yes I am aware that the U.S. has it's own disgusting parasites, but luckily I haven't run into any and don't want to take a chance).

I haven't been able to eat a burger or taco and I don't have a desire to. This show has brought to my attention how disgusting meat really is. As a matter of fact, this show has shown me how disgusting eating in a resturant can be. One of the women featured on the show had eaten in a resturant where her food had been contaminated by human feces that contained tapeworm eggs. They burrowed into her brain and were begining to hatch, causing her to experience seizures and the like. The tapeworms had to be surgically removed. Another woman had eaten mexican food that contained roundworm larve and while she was at work, one found it's way out of her anus into her undewear. It was one of thousands that took several months to expell. Also this one guy who had been to Africa had thousands of worms in his body and found out about them during a football game where one made it's way across his eye.

I can't deal with that type of shit.

I've always been told how disgusting it is to eat at resturants and especially fast food. You never know whose handling the stuff that is going to go into your body.

I'm so scared that I have a tapeworm, or roundworms, because it's almost impossible to know you have one unless you are tested or one makes an appearance out of your ass.

As soon as I can, I'm going to make an appointment to be screened for parasites, until then, I hope I don't loose my mind.

Selfish Friends

Have you ever had one? A selfish friend?

This is one of the worst people to have selfish tendancies, and in my case it's my bestfriend.

She has been acting real brand new lately and it's getting on my fucking nerves. Everything has got to revolve around her and she acts mad jealous of me and our other friends. If it's not planned or setup or revolving around her she "doesn't feel like it" or "she's busy".

This past Thursday was Thanksgiving and happened to be her birthday. She got all pissed off at me and some of our other friends because we didn't call her despite the fact that we wished her Happy Birthday before we got off for Thanksgiving break.

It's Thanksgiving! Did she ever think that WE might have been busy! I mean, this is like bigger than Christmas when it comes to cooking and shit. I was cooking, and visiting with my family. MY FAMILY. Not worrying about her "birthday". In case she didn't get the notice, Family comes before friends. I didn't have time to sit and call her ass while I was cooking and spending time with mi familia.

Oh My Fucking God! This pisses me off!

As for Mark (one of our friends). How did she know he's not out of town? Those of us who travel know that calling long distance is hella fucking expensive! Mark could've been busy and he did tell her ass Happy Birthday before break!

You know what? She has never called me or even wished me Happy Birthday since we've been friends. Never not once, and my birthday don't fall on no national holiday!

The selfishness she's been showing lately is making me not want to be around her. Why should I cancel plans just because she doesn't want to do it? Do you know how many things I've done with her that I didn't want to do? But I did them any way because I'm a good friend. I'm tired of being second string in this friendship. I'm tired of being "reprimanded" for doing something she didn't feel was "appropriate".

She's my best friend and all but if she keeps up this behavior, I'm going to have to re-evaluate our friendship.

Shampoo

Shampoo. As crazy as this sounds, it's the one of the many things I have coveted using my self for...all most all of my childhood and teenage years.

I've always wanted to get up and wash my hair and go to school, to have it a part of my daily routine. Yet because of my genetic make up, that has never been a reality. I have had a relaxer for as long as I can remember, most of my life. Anybody with a relaxer knows you can't possibly wash your hair every day and have it look decent. So I have never had the opprotunity for "wash and wear" hair (like most black girls), I had to wait 4-6 weeks until I had someone else washed my hair (along with deep conditioning it, blow drying it and flat ironing it).

It's safe to say that in the past I had had my hair washed by others my than I have my own self.

Not anymore.

It all started four months ago when I got a relaxer before going to my family reunion. I felt the same way I always did about having my hair relaxed: decent, grateful, and in some way dissatisfied because my hair never exactly set right after the first night of wrapping it. Anyway...I spent the day way back up in thewoods of hot, humid ass Bethel Springs Tennessee. Humidity and relaxed hair are the worst combination you can think of! My relaxer and flat iron that is supposed to last for four weeks had turned into a straight mess by 10 o'clock that night! $55 of wasted relaxer, yall know I was pissed!

On the way back to Omaha I knew that I would have to get my hair relaxed again before school started, it was a tradition. Weeks passed and I kept telling myself to set that damned appointment.

But I never did.

Something in me would'nt surrender to seven hours of a hot, loud, ghetto-ass, boring beauty shop whose beautician had a habit of talking on the phone while she was perming your hair and would leave you under the dryer for three of those seven hours.

The first day of school came and I wore my hair in a ponytail. It was a cute one though, I had a side swept bang and all. After weeks of caked gel and detangling spray, my hair was starting to look a little rough.

It was time for me to wash my hair.

This feat has never been an easy one for me. Washing my hair in the past had required various bottles of shampoos, conditioners, wrapping mouse, and a reliable blow dryer. So that weekend I preceeded to wash my hair like I had always done. After I was done washing it, I drenched it in setting/wrap lotion (whatever the hell it is!) and started to blow dry my hair while simultaneously combing it out. 2 hours of that plus an extra hour of beating my semi-straight afro into an "acceptable" ponytail had left me feeling less than beautiful.

My craving of shampoo had led me to feel ugly as it had so many times before.

I kept thinking to myself "You just had to wash your damned hair!" and "What were you thinking of?!".

But time went on as it always does and I was at the point were I had to was my hair again.

This time I was so teriffied that I would have another fucked up afro that I took a new approach to washing my hair.

This time I didn't scrub my hair all over my head like always, instead, I washed it back in a smooth motion.

This time I alternated between lathering and combing my hair.

This time I combed my hair out while it was wet.

This time I gelled it back into a wet meticulously brushed ponytail.

This time I left my blowdryer in my bathroom drawer.

What happened next shocked the hell out of me.

My hair and dried into a neat ponytail with waves and curls. My hair was not unruly. My hair was feathery but thick. My hair smelled wonderful, not like an old, hot Sears blowdryer. I loved my hair.

I said I loved MY hair.

I repeated this wonderful Saturday routine for weeks on end. Sometimes I would even wash my hair two-three times per week, something I would have never dreamed of. I was getting my fill of my old longing for shampoo. I was experiencing what it's like to have you hair smell like fresh shampoo anytime you want. Sure it takes me a little more time but I still like the fact that I have the choice to wash or not wash.

I don't think I ever want to have my hair relaxed again for the simple fact that I felt so trapped by my hair. That "creamed crack" was telling me what I could and could not do to my own damned hair and I hated it. That creamy white poison made my hate my hair and ultimatly myself.

Sure, I have my days were I get tired of struggling through my curly-kinky hair but it's mine! I don't feel like a phony every time I walk in a room full of black and white people alike. I don't carry around a little plastic comb to make sure my hair isn't sticking up in the back. I'm not constantly in the mirror checking to see if I have fly aways.

I can't let go of the freedom of choice I have without my relaxer. Somthing as simple as shampoo has allowed my to feel 1000x better about myself and for that, I'm eternally grateful.

My additude lately

I've always been a short tempered person, always.

Yet I have to say myself, the way I've been acting lately has been kind of off the wall. I have been extremely short with my parents and people around me; I know that this is partially because I've been under so much stress lately but, I kind of feel guilty about it.

It seems though, that they are doing everything in the world to piss me off, everything, even though I know they are looking out for my best intrest. All that plus school has got my teeth on edge and I don't know how to deal with it. I know they are'nt trying to make my life suck so bad but they are; I wish that I could go off by myself and finish out school without them but that's impossible. What makes this even worse is that they just got me a car! I feel sometimes that I don't deserve it and that they regret getting it for me.
That sucks so bad, I can't even explain the way it feels to think your unworthy of stuff.

My parent's and I have been getting into fights on a daily basis and even with how turbulent our family is, that isn't normal, especially between my dad and I. I wish I could be one of those people who could deal with stress and not let it change who they really are inside been. But then the question comes in: Am I really a mean, hateful person? I hope to god I'm not.

At school I know my friends have noticed the way I've been acting because it seems so different between us. I worry daily that my classmates don't think I'm a terrible person so I try my damnedest to be different. With all that at home and school, my personality is in a constant state of flux.

I really hate this.

More Dreams

This past week I've been having some gore dreams. Their content ranges from pumking carving to canibalism, murder to basketball, and fights to school shootings.

I had one of the most gore dreams last night, it might even beat all. I had a hatchet and I hacked this dude in peices, totally dismembered him. He looked like a butchered pig. Then, I walk to another neighborhood and decapitated his "girlfriend" and took thier baby. I walked back to where I killed the dude and I put on a huge pot of boiling water. I proceeded to hack the baby into pieces like a damn steak and I dropped his body into the boiling water. After he cooked some, I drained him and ate part of him. Then as I was being carried out by the police in handcuffs, I vomited everywhere.

And that's not all...

A few nights ago, I drempt that I was carving up a pumkin and all of a sudden Oprah had been murdered. She had been shot eight times in the throat, and I was the person responsible.

I don't know what's been going on lately with me. I mean, its not unusual for me to have weird, muderous gore dreams, but this takes the cake. The detail and realness of that first dream was just...

Then last night along with the canibalism dream, I dreampt I was playing basketball at school in the gym, except it looked like the gym from my elemetary school. I was playing with this girl I totally hate, then I began beating her.

After the game, I walked into the school and it was the first couple of days of junior year. I was on my way to B-4 going up the main stairwell and all of a sudden those of us on the stairs heard gun shots, like machine guns and shit. Then teachers just came out of nowhere telling us to get out of the school and go to the "safe place". Outside there was this guy I kept seeing. He was hinting on how it was going to be a "bad day", and the forcast looked "cloudy", and it wouldn't be "too long now". After that, we were all going back into the school. He was at the entrance at the very north of the school, he looked back to me and shook his head omniously, as if to say: Yes.